Today was my last day at the job I’ve had for the last 4 years.
I start a new job after I come back from my Ireland vacation.
I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a year and I’ve been fine with that.
At orientation for new said job I hear your name.
You’re apparently coming back to town and working for the same agency as me for the summer.
I was told “We all get along like family”
I’ve moved on even though we have a history.
The growth and strength that I’ve made in the last year is something I am very proud of.
The man that has become my friend is letting you live with him this summer and told me “A friend is coming to stay”
I have no expectations because I’ve moved on.
I pray that you have done the same, so I can enjoy this next step in my journey.
I normally start my yoga classes with a five minute meditation period. This is just a time to try to think about nothing or set your intention for your practice that day. I say “When your mind begins to wander simply say the word “breath” and come back” this means that you are taking 5 minutes out of a 24 hour day to do nothing, but focus on nothing but breathing. However, something really cool happened at my “Good Morning” yoga class this past Saturday. During closing mediation, I was able to feel the sense of nothingness in the positive light. It was an experience of being present of everything except time. It felt like hours or days could have passed, but when I came back I realized it could have only been a couple of seconds. I have begun to incorporate some EMDR tapping into my classes and that really helps me get in tune with my body and emotions. Especially when I move down to the collarbone area. I can almost immediately feel the tears start to flow. It’s a very powerful life force. We had done EMDR that morning and I really had a strong feeling that I was pure emotion that day. With Mother Nature coming with her monthly reminder that this lesbian is yet again not with child, my emotions are always at the peak of explosion. While it is inconvenient most days, I’ve learned to embrace it and found it very useful on Saturday. I’ve said from the get go that mediation and shavasana are probably the hardest parts of practice. To be comfortable in the silence. To be able to let your mind go into nothingness while still being present. To use it as a tool to defuse the tense and overbearing thoughts in your mind. In today’s society, it’s very hard to obtain because stillness is a synonym for laziness and quietness is a synonym for meekness. But I’ve found that I draw my strength for the quietness and some of my most life affirming revelations come in the stillness. I was so excited for those couple of seconds and I want to strive for them again. I want to be able to do it at will and not just randomly. I’m finding that mediation is the best medication. Namaste 🙏🏼
In many ways and in many different times this has been said. When life goes “not as planned” and then you wonder “Well, what do I do now?” I’m finding that at 26, I have done and not done a lot of things out of fear of failure. I have played it safe and taken the path of least resistance to avoid failure, backlash, or heaven forbid, making someone angry or disappointing them. But in my early 20’s I was nothing but driven. I had dreams and plans and to look at some of them now, I’m envious of who I used to be. When I “got into the world” I got a bad taste in my mouth for discomfort. I didn’t ever want to fall on hard times and I didn’t ever want to put faith in my own ability to make a successful life. I just wanted to be comfortable, safe, and secure. Well I’ve been that for about 4 years now and I’m miserable. Where is my life? Somewhere along the lines I forgot about living and just worried about money. My thinking converted from adventure to the almighty dollar. I feel like its a fairly common occurrence, but that doesn’t mean that I need to accept that as is and continue following that same path.
After coming back from Nicaragua, there has been a sense of “What more can I do?” I am so grateful for that opportunity.I renewed my sense of self-empowerment and I have a new found drive to make my life and the lives of people around me better. I am starting with me first. We shall see where I can go from here, but I believe in good things and I believe that good things are going to happen. Not amount of money, or people, or careers, or opportunity can provide me with happiness if my internal view sucks. I have felt like a butterfly tacked to a cork board for awhile now and when I take the time to reflect I realize that the life that I am currently living is made for someone else. Anything that I’m ever going to do or be starts with the internal question of “Am I living in my full potential?” and up until now, I haven’t been, but that train stops here. I’m excited and scared and both are valid.
A new year rolls around every 365 days. When you think about it in the aspect of minutes, hours, or even seconds, it seems like there is so much time, but when you group it together by experiences, it feels like grasping for clock hands. Some of my experiences have seemingly stopped time, while others I wish could have moved faster. I’ve spent the last six to eight months looking over my life and categorizing it into increments of time. Times when I have been fearless and unstoppable and times when I have been conquered by my own self-doubt. There are categories of simply surviving and there are categories of thriving.
There is no rhyme of reason for this right now, I just know that time is constant and time is change. I’m not in a rut and I’m not sinking. But I ask myself again “Is this my life?” I feel if I have to ask myself that question, then the answer is no. Am I content? Yeah. Do I want to settle for contentment in my life? No. I get one chance at this and then I’m done, so why spend 30 years living a paycheck to paycheck life it that doesn’t suit me?I have a 3o before 30 list. It’s 30 things I want to do before I turn 30. Why make a list? because I want to feel like I’ve accomplished some tangible things. While I love personal and spiritual growth, I crave more. I want to do it all and see it all. I am so eager to see how far I can go. This is a beautiful, crazy, wonderful, messy, and oh so satisfying journey.
Make it happen.