I just want to go back to the time before I knew you. My life was simple and I knew what I wanted. I hate my new reality. I hate that you are my focus. My life is waiting on you to want me, but you can’t be made to want something. You would have already made it known. We would have already been. I need to keep my distance. I need to keep myself safe.
I feel like I have so much to say, but I don’t know where or what or how to say it. I want sunshine. I want to live my life with Lynn. As we say on the porch she said “if I don’t change my ways I’m going to die next” I subconsciously started writing a eulogy for her on my car ride home. All the things that I feel like I couldn’t say. Moments before her father in law passed away we were laying in bed. She was reading an email from her latest guy crush and I was just looking at her. I wanted her to say something to me about him. I had my words all prepared, but then the universe had other plans.
You wonder why I’m still single. You wonder why I go on dates and they never go anywhere. You wonder why I elude all advances from someone that you’ve tried to set me up with. You think my happiness comes from a significant other and maybe it enhances it, but I know who that significant person is and it’s the one who always wonders about me.
“Sometimes the most toxic relationships are the hardest to let go of”
I will never not love you
I will never forget every detail of your face
I won’t regret saying goodbye
I’ve wondered why I’ve had no desire to explore. I used to love to get lost. I used to love to see how far I could go. I realized now that my adventure is you. I get lost in you. I find new things about you every day. My feet are planted, but my greatest adventure is you.
There has been a lot of change in my life. I have moved, started a new job and gained some new people in my life. However, with that comes new emotions. I haven’t been keeping myself in check and it’s been really hard to get myself back. After this past weekend where my carelessness ended up with me almost in the hospital, I had to take a step back and think about is this really where I want to be. I need to grow from here. Starting with getting myself back in a routine, drinking and smoking less, and renewing my relationships that I have let go by the wayside.
I let my emotions run wild. Too wild. I get hung up on people, things, and ideas that have no benefit to my life, but in the moment, they feel amazing. I have developed feelings for a married woman, I have started drinking and smoking more. I have neglected my responsibilities at home to party and socialize. I haven’t had my soul fed in weeks. There has been no self reflection. I have been a whirlwind of fuckery. I’m getting upset easier and letting people’s opinions of me define me. I’m not standing firm on my foundation. I feel like I’m going to dive in head first to people’s perceptions and see them as truth. Why the transition? I’m not sure. The discontentment in my life? Maybe… The constant searching? Possibly….. I just need to get my head out of my ass and get back on board with MY life.