I am struggling with comparing my life to everyone else’s right now. I mean literally everyone. It’s like a disease. I’m not in a good head space. I am struggling with boundaries. I am struggling on complacency and FOMO. I have so much I want to do, but I already feel like I’m running out of time. I also hear the next years of your life are going to fly by, but I want to savor them. I hate my job, but I love my life. I think my supervisor is a total goldfish, but I enjoy my coworkers. I don’t want to be consumed in my job, but I don’t know how not to be. I want to put my energy somewhere else. I want to physically be somewhere else. I’m just doing a stream of consciousness so I can go to sleep. My best friend is moving home. Why am I not excited? I have gained so much weight and I have no idea how. I basically just want to run and run, but I hate running. What is my life supposed to be, but I’m actually okay not knowing. I should probably go back to therapy. Mostly to work on boundaries and how to love healthily. I’m done.
Oh and how the fuck is Trump still our president?
I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. I find myself spending so much time mindlessly scrolling and it’s happened on multiple occasions that I’ll close my Facebook app and open it later and not even realize how far I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole by being on some randoms person Facebook page who is a friend of a friends sister’s cousin. I also don’t want to set expectations. If I hate it, I’ll go back. If I love it, I’ll keep it. I have a lot of things in my life that I want to focus on, but I always say there isn’t enough time, but if I actually calculated how much time I spend on my phone a day, I would probably feel like a garbage person. So I’m just going to assume it’s a significant amount and go from there. I’ll be deleting Facebook and Snapchat. I want to keep Instagram because I don’t spend loads of time on it, but I follow enough inspirational accounts that it always gives me a pick me up or energizes me to keep reaching for those goals. I predict that Snapchat will be the most difficult. It really is an addiction but one that doesn’t add a lot of value to my life. I’ll leave my big “exiting Facebook status updates and while I won’t delete my accounts, I will take them off my phone. Today is Sunday, so it’s a good day to start. Plus, when you look at the big picture, social media was great when it was people driven, now it’s hate fueled politics and crappy videos (which I laugh like a idiot at most of them). I’ll check back in in a week.
Between Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, and dating apps, the amount of screen time I have in a day is ridiculous. I’m complaining more, I’m more angry, and I’m missing out on my real life. However, I will delete these apps and feel better but then my fomo kicks in and slowly, but surely, I start with Snapchat, then so on and so forth. I mean, honestly. I’m not even engaged in the moment right now while my cat sleeps softly on my shoulder and my puppy is cuddled up in the small of my back. If I pay attention I can hear the street lights buzzing and cars driving down Main Street. There is also the soft snores of my black lab and she dreams on her bed.
It really is the small things that I miss out on because I’m involved in other people’s portrayal of their own life. I should just live and let live and live my life. I deleted Facebook and Twitter and I’m looking to cut down my screen time with Snapchat and Instagram.
Time to get invested in my own life. I’m a wildflower and wildflowers don’t care where they grow, but have the ability to grow wherever.
I’ve been on this zero waste journey for almost 2 years and while I still have a long way to go, I’m getting closer to my goal. One thing that I need to get better at is finding multiple uses for the things I already have, but that’s a story for another time. Here are a few things that I do when I dine out.
- Bring my own silverware and cloth napkin.
- If I know that they are serving my drink in a disposable cup, I bring my own and ask them to use that.
- I frequent a couple restaurants that I know serve with glassware
- If I anticipate leftovers, I bring my own container
- If there is a paper placemat and/or wrapped silverware, I put them aside and/ or tell them that I won’t be using them ( I’ve had people ask if I get embarrassed or uneasy about this one, and…nah)
- I always ask for no straw
- When it’s time to pay, I always ask for no receipt. If I need to, I write my total in my phone, but my bank is pretty good about keeping track.
- I normally have hot tea with my meal, so I ask for a cup of hot water and use my loose leaf tea and tea ball.
That’s basically all I do. It may seem like a lot at first, but I normally just wash my dishes and clothes and stick them in my bag or lunch box by the door, so it’s all there and ready to go when I need it.
I have come to conclusion that I rarely “unplug” as much as I wish/tell others that I do. It’s almost more wishful thinking. The realization came when I was reading a book (Live Simply by Aimee Curtis-yeah, I know…ironic) and I had my phone right beside me and I would pick it up every couple of minutes just to see if I had missed anything or post an update or tweet something clever I read. I have become so invested in others lives that I’ve stopped paying attention to mine and my growth. I’m credit myself with being pretty self aware, but I had become clueless as to how far I had fallen down the social media rabbit hole. Here recently I’ve been hanging out with a group of people that are younger than I and every aspect of their lives is on social media and it became a gateway to connect. When you start new friendships, you want to have that common connection and that connection was social media. Snapchat groups, group texts, Instagram, Snapchat stories, twitter hashtags, Facebook notifications. It’s nonsense to me when I sit and actually think about it. There has been a spike in my anxiety and a loss of my peace because I feel like I’m always plugged in. I’m making a pledge to myself to keep the social media at bay. How can I be so consumed with my virtual life, when my actual life is so beautiful?
Today was my last day at the job I’ve had for the last 4 years.
I start a new job after I come back from my Ireland vacation.
I haven’t seen or heard from you in over a year and I’ve been fine with that.
At orientation for new said job I hear your name.
You’re apparently coming back to town and working for the same agency as me for the summer.
I was told “We all get along like family”
I’ve moved on even though we have a history.
The growth and strength that I’ve made in the last year is something I am very proud of.
The man that has become my friend is letting you live with him this summer and told me “A friend is coming to stay”
I have no expectations because I’ve moved on.
I pray that you have done the same, so I can enjoy this next step in my journey.
I normally start my yoga classes with a five minute meditation period. This is just a time to try to think about nothing or set your intention for your practice that day. I say “When your mind begins to wander simply say the word “breath” and come back” this means that you are taking 5 minutes out of a 24 hour day to do nothing, but focus on nothing but breathing. However, something really cool happened at my “Good Morning” yoga class this past Saturday. During closing mediation, I was able to feel the sense of nothingness in the positive light. It was an experience of being present of everything except time. It felt like hours or days could have passed, but when I came back I realized it could have only been a couple of seconds. I have begun to incorporate some EMDR tapping into my classes and that really helps me get in tune with my body and emotions. Especially when I move down to the collarbone area. I can almost immediately feel the tears start to flow. It’s a very powerful life force. We had done EMDR that morning and I really had a strong feeling that I was pure emotion that day. With Mother Nature coming with her monthly reminder that this lesbian is yet again not with child, my emotions are always at the peak of explosion. While it is inconvenient most days, I’ve learned to embrace it and found it very useful on Saturday. I’ve said from the get go that mediation and shavasana are probably the hardest parts of practice. To be comfortable in the silence. To be able to let your mind go into nothingness while still being present. To use it as a tool to defuse the tense and overbearing thoughts in your mind. In today’s society, it’s very hard to obtain because stillness is a synonym for laziness and quietness is a synonym for meekness. But I’ve found that I draw my strength for the quietness and some of my most life affirming revelations come in the stillness. I was so excited for those couple of seconds and I want to strive for them again. I want to be able to do it at will and not just randomly. I’m finding that mediation is the best medication. Namaste 🙏🏼