I met her about 3-4 months ago. At the time it wasn’t anything special. She was funny and I was my awkward self. Fast forward a couple weeks from that and I meet her again when I was invited to go camping with some friends. I don’t know how our friendship formed, but it was a quick one. Almost as quickly as we became friends, I developed deeper feelings. So much so that I left a two year relationship. Of course leaving that relationship is an entirely different post. Newly single, making her aware and I’m still stuck in the friend zone. Here is the biggest kicker. She is unhappily married with 3 teenage children.
There has been a lot of change in my life. I have moved, started a new job and gained some new people in my life. However, with that comes new emotions. I haven’t been keeping myself in check and it’s been really hard to get myself back. After this past weekend where my carelessness ended up with me almost in the hospital, I had to take a step back and think about is this really where I want to be. I need to grow from here. Starting with getting myself back in a routine, drinking and smoking less, and renewing my relationships that I have let go by the wayside.
I let my emotions run wild. Too wild. I get hung up on people, things, and ideas that have no benefit to my life, but in the moment, they feel amazing. I have developed feelings for a married woman, I have started drinking and smoking more. I have neglected my responsibilities at home to party and socialize. I haven’t had my soul fed in weeks. There has been no self reflection. I have been a whirlwind of fuckery. I’m getting upset easier and letting people’s opinions of me define me. I’m not standing firm on my foundation. I feel like I’m going to dive in head first to people’s perceptions and see them as truth. Why the transition? I’m not sure. The discontentment in my life? Maybe… The constant searching? Possibly….. I just need to get my head out of my ass and get back on board with MY life.
I am struggling with comparing my life to everyone else’s right now. I mean literally everyone. It’s like a disease. I’m not in a good head space. I am struggling with boundaries. I am struggling on complacency and FOMO. I have so much I want to do, but I already feel like I’m running out of time. I also hear the next years of your life are going to fly by, but I want to savor them. I hate my job, but I love my life. I think my supervisor is a total goldfish, but I enjoy my coworkers. I don’t want to be consumed in my job, but I don’t know how not to be. I want to put my energy somewhere else. I want to physically be somewhere else. I’m just doing a stream of consciousness so I can go to sleep. My best friend is moving home. Why am I not excited? I have gained so much weight and I have no idea how. I basically just want to run and run, but I hate running. What is my life supposed to be, but I’m actually okay not knowing. I should probably go back to therapy. Mostly to work on boundaries and how to love healthily. I’m done.
Oh and how the fuck is Trump still our president?
I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. I find myself spending so much time mindlessly scrolling and it’s happened on multiple occasions that I’ll close my Facebook app and open it later and not even realize how far I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole by being on some randoms person Facebook page who is a friend of a friends sister’s cousin. I also don’t want to set expectations. If I hate it, I’ll go back. If I love it, I’ll keep it. I have a lot of things in my life that I want to focus on, but I always say there isn’t enough time, but if I actually calculated how much time I spend on my phone a day, I would probably feel like a garbage person. So I’m just going to assume it’s a significant amount and go from there. I’ll be deleting Facebook and Snapchat. I want to keep Instagram because I don’t spend loads of time on it, but I follow enough inspirational accounts that it always gives me a pick me up or energizes me to keep reaching for those goals. I predict that Snapchat will be the most difficult. It really is an addiction but one that doesn’t add a lot of value to my life. I’ll leave my big “exiting Facebook status updates and while I won’t delete my accounts, I will take them off my phone. Today is Sunday, so it’s a good day to start. Plus, when you look at the big picture, social media was great when it was people driven, now it’s hate fueled politics and crappy videos (which I laugh like a idiot at most of them). I’ll check back in in a week.
Between Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, and dating apps, the amount of screen time I have in a day is ridiculous. I’m complaining more, I’m more angry, and I’m missing out on my real life. However, I will delete these apps and feel better but then my fomo kicks in and slowly, but surely, I start with Snapchat, then so on and so forth. I mean, honestly. I’m not even engaged in the moment right now while my cat sleeps softly on my shoulder and my puppy is cuddled up in the small of my back. If I pay attention I can hear the street lights buzzing and cars driving down Main Street. There is also the soft snores of my black lab and she dreams on her bed.
It really is the small things that I miss out on because I’m involved in other people’s portrayal of their own life. I should just live and let live and live my life. I deleted Facebook and Twitter and I’m looking to cut down my screen time with Snapchat and Instagram.
Time to get invested in my own life. I’m a wildflower and wildflowers don’t care where they grow, but have the ability to grow wherever.
I’ve been on this zero waste journey for almost 2 years and while I still have a long way to go, I’m getting closer to my goal. One thing that I need to get better at is finding multiple uses for the things I already have, but that’s a story for another time. Here are a few things that I do when I dine out.
- Bring my own silverware and cloth napkin.
- If I know that they are serving my drink in a disposable cup, I bring my own and ask them to use that.
- I frequent a couple restaurants that I know serve with glassware
- If I anticipate leftovers, I bring my own container
- If there is a paper placemat and/or wrapped silverware, I put them aside and/ or tell them that I won’t be using them ( I’ve had people ask if I get embarrassed or uneasy about this one, and…nah)
- I always ask for no straw
- When it’s time to pay, I always ask for no receipt. If I need to, I write my total in my phone, but my bank is pretty good about keeping track.
- I normally have hot tea with my meal, so I ask for a cup of hot water and use my loose leaf tea and tea ball.
That’s basically all I do. It may seem like a lot at first, but I normally just wash my dishes and clothes and stick them in my bag or lunch box by the door, so it’s all there and ready to go when I need it.